onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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