Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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