The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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