Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
