I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
