I seem to have left my pride at pride
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
