and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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