If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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