Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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