a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize