Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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