god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
