And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize