i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Oh god it's open bar.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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