I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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