they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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