Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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