I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
