Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
