Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
