Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
