She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
