I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
