I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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