fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
