you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
