OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
