I'm gonna have a badass scar
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
