I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize