she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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