we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize