Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
