My first STD was from a foam party
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
