Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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