What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize