he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
