Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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