onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize