So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
