Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
The uberlube is also flammable
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
