I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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