u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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