there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Randomize
