You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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