'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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