just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Did I show you my penis last night?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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