Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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