somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
