Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
