your parents love me but you hate me
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Randomize
