Someone shit on the floor
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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