The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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