I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
