There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
