Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
