did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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