i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
